I’m waiting in the Pittsburgh aiport for my flight to Chapel Hill. I’ve been waiting for five hours now. I have five hours to go. If there are experiences that try the human soul, that push it to a limit and then push it beyond such that the underlying person is fundamentally changed, I can imagine them happening to someone else as I pass out of tiredness in this godforsaken place. Lord, I feel awful.
I spent a fair amount of time practicing my coin palming techniques; the coin is absorbed into the abyss of my hand, unobservable by human eyes. So long as my hand is at the right angle and I move it fast enough, which I rarely do. I dare say that if there is a prototype for suspicious, it involves a solitary man shifting a coin in his hand repeatedly for upward of an hour.
Au Bon Pair? Let’s talk about that for a second. It might be French. I don’t f-ing know. I know that, so far as I am concerned, the literal translation now reads Best Cheese Danishes Ever. I meant to buy one and accidentally picked up two; as far as accidents go, this falls squarely in the divine providence category.
The internet here moves slow, where slow is simply the euphemism I use because English lacks the linguistic tools to properly express this speed. Imagine that a snail runs into a brick wall, and then divide the snail’s speed - in km/h - by twenty million, and you’ll have a slightly fast-forwarded mental image of what I’m referring to here.
I tried to rent a hotel room for a few hours to get some sleep. That was cute. Here’s a run-down of the dialog:
Me: “Bit of an odd question. Is it possible to rent a room for a few hours?”
Gravely Serious Man: “Yes. It’s possible.”
Me: “About how much would you say that costs?”
Gravely Serious Man: “One moment.”
Assistant: “One hundred thirty four fifty. Plus tax.”
Me: “Yea, nevermind, thanks, sorry.”
It would seem that in their native tongue, “rent for a few hours” roughly means “rent for a night.” He looked at me with the most serious, humorless face as he quoted me that price, which he no doubt had to train for. By god, he had to train his entire life for that moment.
Off hunting the beast of London. Be back in time for supper.